All for This Read online

“I said that?” I whisper.

  “Yes. And it didn’t surprise me that you felt that way. Of course you would. You and Max were always so good together.” She looks down at her coffee and draws in a breath. “Then you had that horrible accident. You seemed so reluctant to make wedding plans, but I thought it was because you couldn’t remember. Then, suddenly, you were pregnant with another man’s baby. It didn’t make sense to me.”

  “When did I tell you I wanted to marry Max?” I ask, pressing. Would I have told her that to help with his chances to get the grant? No. That doesn’t make sense. She would have been just as likely to support Max as my boyfriend as she would have if he were my fiancé.

  Mom frowns at me. “Shortly before your accident.”

  “But when?” I squeak. Mentally, I’m calculating what I know, what I remember, and trying to fit it in.

  Mom props her hands on her hips. “Why does it matter?”

  “I still don’t remember everything,” I explain. “And those last four days are still completely gone. I want to know.”

  Her eyes tilt to the ceiling. “Well, I guess it was after Abby’s party. The day after, maybe? Because you’d forgotten to bring her gift to the party and you were swinging by the house to drop one off. Gosh, you know, maybe it was the day before your accident. That evening.”

  “And I wasn’t wearing the ring?”

  She shakes her head. “The first time I saw your ring, you were in the hospital. Why don’t you ask Max when he proposed? He can fill in some details.”

  Because he proposed months before.

  Mom cocks her head. “You look pale, Hanna. Are you sleeping enough? You need to make sleep a priority for those babies. Pregnancy is hard on the body.”

  “I will,” I promise. I hand her a cup of coffee and lead her out the door.

  It’s so tempting to hold on to the secret as long as I can. I force myself to pick up my phone and text Nate.

  “DADDY!”

  My heart swells as Collin runs to me across Asher’s backyard. I squat and open my arms, and he throws himself in them, hugging me as I lift him off the ground. I can breathe easier when he’s close to me. He’s the reminder of all the reasons I needed to let Hanna go. All the reasons I should wish her well in her life with Max. He’s the only thing that matters.

  “I knew you weren’t dead,” Collin says, his face buried in my neck. “I just knew it.”

  I stroke his dark hair, close my eyes, and say a prayer. “I love you, buddy.”

  He gives me one more squeeze before pulling back and grinning at me. “Mommy said I can stay here for a while. Is that true? Do I get to sleep over at Uncle Asher’s house?”

  Five minutes ago, I didn’t feel like smiling, but Collin’s happiness is contagious, and nothing matters now that he’s here—safe and with me, where he belongs.

  “It’s true,” I answer. “How was the flight?”

  “Awesome! Mommy let me drink champagne and then she played DS with me! Did you know she can beat all the levels on Luigi’s Mansion?”

  I lift my gaze to Vivian, who followed Collin into the yard. “Ginger ale,” she explains. “Extra yummy in a champagne flute.”

  “Drake,” I say, nodding to her personal security guard.

  The tall man straightens his sleek leather jacket and nods as a greeting. He’s been Vivian’s bodyguard since we were teenagers, and I’ve seen him bloody faces of men who dared get their hands or their cameras too close to Vivian. His flowing, platinum-blond hair and ghostly blue eyes make him a more likely candidate for a retro romance novel cover than a security guard, but he’s good at his job.

  “Is that Collin I see out there?” Asher calls from the patio.

  “It is!” Collin squirms, and I set him on his feet so he can run after “Uncle” Asher.

  “Thanks for bringing him,” I tell Vivian. After over a week in silence, speaking still feels odd. When I went to India to join Janelle at her little spiritual retreat, I had no idea I’d be handing over my electronics and my right to speak for the foreseeable future. Not that I cared. I didn’t want to talk to anyone anyway.

  “The last thing you needed was a paparazzo catching your reunion or, worse, following you here. It was better this way.”

  I nod, watching as Collin follows Asher into the house. “Jamaal will be here soon, and Asher and I are hiring extra security. They’ll find me here, but I don’t have to let them get close.”

  Her shoulders drop a little, and I know she’s relieved. She’s never been fond of what she sees as my “lax” security measures. “I’m glad to hear it.”

  “How’s he handling the divorce?” I ask, looking at Collin.

  She shrugs and puts on the brave smile I recognize so well. “Better than expected, I guess. Except he seems to think this means you and I are getting back together, and I try to explain that sometimes mommies and daddies love each other but can’t be together.”

  “Viv,” I whisper.

  She shakes her head. “Don’t apologize. That makes me feel worse.”

  “I need to apologize, especially about what happened in London. It was—”

  She puts her fingers to my lips. “Stop while you’re ahead. Please. I’m just glad you’re not dead. The rest is irrelevant.”

  I pull her into a hug and press a kiss to the top of her head. “I’ll always love you. You gave me my son.”

  “Be careful.”

  “I’m not getting in a helicopter anytime soon, so you don’t need to—”

  “With her, Nathaniel. Be careful with that girl. I don’t trust her.”

  “Hanna?”

  She nods. “I don’t want to see you hurt.”

  Too late. “You’re the one who insisted I tell her how I feel.”

  “That was before I knew she was seeing someone else. I saw them together.”

  “I know about her fiancé, Viv. Just…back off, okay?”

  “She’s engaged to him?” She smacks me in the chest. “Why are you messing around with a woman who’s engaged to someone else?”

  “She wasn’t engaged then.”

  My phone buzzes. Hanna’s name scrolls across the screen, making my gut flip and clench all in one riotous movement. All summer long, texts from Hanna were the highlight of my days. How long has it been since I received a text message from her?

  Hanna: Can we talk tonight?

  Nate: What’s there to say?

  Hanna: Please.

  I swallow as I stare at the single word in her last message. Please. I can’t say no to her, even if seeing her with his ring on her finger will kill something inside me.

  “Is that her?” Vivian asks. She reaches for my phone, and I sidestep her.

  “Back off, Viv. Don’t try to mother-bear me. This doesn’t concern you.”

  “You said you told her how you felt.”

  “I did,” I growl. “Drop it.”

  “You see? It’s better. Now you know and—”

  I don’t hear the rest because I’m walking away. The last thing I need right now is to hear Vivian’s opinion of my relationship with Hanna. When I’m alone in the house again, I reply to Hanna’s last text.

  Nate: The dock. Nine thirty.

  “HOW ARE you holding up?”

  I’m quiet for a minute, looking around Brady’s. There have been plenty of curious glances thrown my way since William and I sat down with our beer. The news of Hanna’s and my canceled wedding spread across town like the best kind of gossip.

  By now, half the town knows Hanna is pregnant with another man’s baby, though I’m not sure who leaked that information. Not that it was a secret, but the summer breakup was. The story of her pregnancy is irresistible to the gossip hounds.

  “I’m good,” I finally say. William is studying me as if he doesn’t trust my words. “Relieved, honestly.”

  He raises a brow. “Yeah?”

  I’m not sure how to explain it. I want Hanna, but I want her to be with me because I’m her choice, not bec
ause a tragedy made me the default choice. Every night I slept with her in my arms felt like a miracle made possible by the death of someone she loved. His death tainted what we had.

  I only say, “It’s better this way.”

  “You two are okay?”

  I wish I knew. “She’s still in love with him.”

  “She’s still in love with you, too,” Will says, and I nod because that’s what I’ve been holding on to. “Where is she tonight?”

  “She’s meeting Nate.” I swallow. “She needs to tell him about the babies.” I offered to go with her. I wanted him to see that I’m standing by her side through all of this, but she declined. “Having you there will just hurt him more.”

  “He’s going to fight for her,” Will warns.

  “I’ll fight harder.”

  Will grins his approval.

  I have to change the subject. If I think too much about Hanna meeting Nate tonight, I’ll lose my mind. “How’s Cally feeling?”

  Will beams at the mention of his pregnant wife. “Tired, nauseated, anxious to grow a belly so the whole world knows she’s pregnant. How’s Hanna?”

  “Same. Tired. The nausea comes and goes, but cold washcloths help a lot.”

  “Shit,” Will grumbles, looking to the door. “We have company.”

  “Hi, boys.” Meredith is all smiles as she slides into the booth next to me. She smells of rum and her eyes are drunken and glazed. “I heard the good news about Nate Crane. Didn’t you?”

  William stiffens. He and Meredith used to be friends—more, even—but after the way she treated Cally, he can’t stand her anymore. “I don’t remember inviting you to join us.”

  “Where’s Claire?” I ask. I refuse to take her bait, and she scowls.

  “I dropped her off at your mom’s.”

  My jaw ticks in annoyance. “I thought you were going to spend some time with her before your business trip.”

  “Don’t tell me how to be a mother and I won’t tell you how to be a fiancé. You are still engaged, aren’t you? Or has she come to her senses and left town with that sexy rock star?”

  “Go away, Meredith,” Will mutters.

  She ignores him and looks at me. “Is it true you rented the old Blackman house?”

  “It is.”

  “Well…I’m pretty sure once Nate Crane finds out your fiancée is pregnant with his babies, you’re not going to have the need for three bedrooms anymore.”

  “Go. Away,” Will repeats, and I add, “What he said.”

  She shrugs and slides out of the booth.

  Will watches her go, only turning back to me when he’s convinced she’s far enough away. “She’s poison. I know she’s the mother of your child, but you need to find a way to keep her from contaminating your relationship with Hanna.”

  Across the bar, Meredith is flirting with a young professor who’s new to town. Poor bastard doesn’t even know what he’s getting himself into.

  “Congrats on the new house. I had no idea.”

  “It was supposed to be a surprise for Hanna. I thought we could rent out our apartments and live together. I was going to take her there today, but then Nate showed up last night and I decided to wait.”

  “Understandable.”

  “I need a big favor,” I admit.

  “Anything.”

  “Hanna wasn’t the only reason I decided to get the house.” And I hate this. William has been my best friend for most of my life, and I’ve prided myself on never taking advantage of his generosity. “I’m talking to a lawyer about pursuing physical custody of Claire. I’m sick of her using my daughter to manipulate me, and I can’t stand the thought that she could take her away from me.”

  “Of course. That’s wise. And you need money for the lawyer?”

  “I have an offer for the club. Someone who’s willing to buy it.”

  Will leans back in the booth and shakes his head. “Don’t be stupid, man. This is your future. Let me lend you money.”

  I take a breath. Borrowing money from Will would make me feel even worse than this. I don’t want it to come to that. “Remember when I was looking into opening the club and you offered to buy in?”

  “Sure.” His brows shoot up, disappearing under his messy mop of blond curls. “Are you saying I can buy in now?”

  “If you’re interested. It would take a lot of pressure off, but I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

  “Don’t even think about it. This is important, and I’d love to do it. What does Hanna think about the custody situation?”

  I release a slow a breath. “I didn’t want to bring it up until I knew I could do it. We’ll have three babies under the age of one. Am I crazy?”

  “Fucking nuts,” Will says. “But would you have it any other way?”

  I grin. “Not a chance.”

  I DIDN’T want to leave Asher’s until I was sure Collin was asleep, and by the time I make it to the dock, Hanna’s already there. She’s sitting against the railing, looking out over the water. Her dark hair is off her neck in a twist, and my fingers itch to toy with the little tendrils that have escaped. I miss the way her hair feels, miss the way her eyes float closed as I comb it with my fingers.

  The night is clear and the moon reflects off her pale skin, and looking at her hurts so much that I wonder for a few breathless seconds if I can breathe near her, knowing she’s not mine.

  “It’s a beautiful night.” I consider sinking onto the planks next to her but dismiss the idea. I don’t trust myself to be that close. I take my station on the other side of the dock instead.

  “It is.” She stands and crosses to stand next to me. Her smell slingshots me back to weekends waking up in hotels with Hanna’s hair fanned across the pillow, her soft curves under my hands.

  “Why are we here?” If the question comes out harsher than I intended, it’s because I’m desperate to get away.

  She reaches in her purse and hands me a folded piece of paper. “Because I need to tell you about this.”

  I unfold the paper and my hammering heart is blindsided by the black-and-white image. I can barely make it out in the moonlight, but I know what it is.

  “Mine?” My voice breaks on the word.

  “They don’t have to be,” she whispers.

  I rip my gaze away from the ultrasound image to see her face. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I’m telling you because it’s the right thing to do. But I’m not asking anything of you. I wouldn’t do that.”

  “You think I’d just walk away from my child?”

  “Children.” She points to two spots on the image. One gray lima bean and the other.

  My breath is trapped in my lungs, and I have to close my eyes to remember how to breathe. “Children?” When I open my eyes again, she’s staring at me, trying to read my expression.

  Finally, she nods. “Twins.”

  My stomach feels like it’s stuck in an endless free fall as I study the little, colorless splotches in the moonlight. Twins. My twins.

  “Does Max know?”

  “Yes.”

  “He knows they’re mine?”

  A breeze picks up off the river, and a wispy lock of hair blows across her face. “Yes.”

  “When are you getting married? Wasn’t that supposed to be soon?”

  She shakes her head. “We called off the wedding. Postponed it indefinitely. I can’t move forward with anything like that until after the babies are born. Right now, they’re my only priority.”

  “And then?”

  She shrugs. “We’re engaged. I plan to marry him eventually. Just not yet.”

  “Do you expect me to just walk away? Let you two create your happy little family with my children?” Hanna is one of three people in the world who could understand how much that hurts me. Yet here we are. Here I am—on the outside again.

  “I don’t know what to expect from you. I just know the choice needs to be yours, and that’s why I’m telling you.”


  My whole body tenses and an ugly laugh slips from my lips. “My choice? What if my choice is to be in their lives every day? What if my choice is to have them in my house? What if I want to be a real father and not just someone they visit from time to time? Are you giving me that choice?”

  “You are their father, and I won’t keep them from you. But I am their mother. If you fight me for custody”—she lifts her eyes to mine and I see her determination—“I will fight back just as hard. You will lose.”

  “What if I don’t just fight for my kids?” I ask. Vivian says I keep walls around my heart, but I would take a sledgehammer to those walls for Hanna. I would tear them down and stand completely exposed, all to get closer to her. “What if I fight for their mother too?”

  WILL I ever be able to look at Nate and not feel this painful tugging in my heart?

  “Didn’t you already have your chance?” My fingernails bite into my palms as I force my hands to stay at my sides.

  “I couldn’t fight for you before.”

  I draw in a breath, and he opens his eyes to meet mine. The question I can’t ask pulses in the air between us. Why not?

  “What if I won, Hanna? What if I fought for you and I won? I’m not the prize here. You are.” He turns then, reaches out, and his fingers stroke the side of my cheek. My eyes float closed because it’s too much—having him here when he’s supposed to be dead, having him touch me when I’m supposed to let him go. “It would be different if you hadn’t chosen him, if you weren’t in love with him.” His fingers take my chin and tilt it up until I open my eyes and look into his. “It would be different if I didn’t know that you’re too damn good for me. I came here, and you had made your choice and forgotten me. I knew I didn’t deserve your heart, and I didn’t want to risk breaking it.”

  I step back until his hand falls away from my face. “Too late.”

  “That’s why you chose him? Because I didn’t fight for you? Come to LA with me. Be with me. I will fight for you every day.”

  “Would you even say that if you didn’t know about the pregnancy?” My voice is cold even to my own ears. Instinctively, my hand splays over my stomach, where my babies grow. According to all the pregnancy websites, today my little ones are no bigger than the size of a kidney bean. Not much. Yet…everything.